I've not been on much of late as you probably know. I've been feeling out of place lately and I'm not sure why. I suppose I'm in a fairly reflective mood. I'm wondering what it is I really want out of my life and why I'm doing fairly little to get it. It seems to haunt me most at night, when I think about death. I suppose if I died tomorrow I wouldn't really care too much but when I think of myself as getting old I can only see me alone and rotting away, having always said to myself "In the future I'll do this" but the future never came and now I've become an old man full of unfulfilled dreams. Talk about depressing...Seriously though, what am I doing, wasting time on this site? What am I doing going out to college in the day and coming back at night to spend all my time online? Any spare second I get I throw it into thinking through the various stories or drawings I want to do for on here but really, why do it? And why is it that every time I take up a task, whether it was the computer game in the past, or drawing maps of Glasgow, or the more present dA stories and artwork, that I let it consume me? I think about them, I plan, I research, I worry, I get anxious, I panic, I think about it even more but nothing actually comes out of it or very little. People think I do nothing because they see nothing concrete. But if I put the effort into work or something related to college that I put into these projects I'd far surpass myself I think. I suppose a lot of it comes down to needing that outside push. People to help me out, people I can rely on to slap me when I get too deep into things. Unfortunately I don't have many offline friends, I'm just not good at making them. I have self confidence problems and trust issues that make it hard, not to mention my complete lack of interest in the three main male hobbies: football, cars and women. Really though, if I had offline friends who cared and weren't total users or tossers I'd probably do a wee bit better. At present though, I don't know what I'm up to and I'm beginning to realise just how much of my pain is self inflicted. Hmm, I better stop before I end up sounding emo to all you people out there who really don't give a shit (why are you even reading I wonder). Ohhh too late.
In other news, some of you may know I went to a prize ceremony today for college. Well, I got a certificate for being first in my class and I got a cheque for £25. Not bad I suppose. Just about makes up for the boring ceremony.
I also made my first ever blog which you can check out here [link] On a final note, I'll point out how disappointed I am that all my polls seem to end with ties. Any that don't usually don't because someone chose the wrong answer and they really wanted the other one that makes it a tie. What really gets on my nerves though is when people click "Other (explain)" then leave no comment saying what they mean. What part of 'explain' is it that confuses these people?
While I notice it here, I think my temper has shortened considerably these days. I don't know if it's really that, i.e. that I've become more easily irritated, or if it's just that I'm not as willing to let shit slide and be taken for granted by people. I usually go out of my way not to offend people even when they're offending me or annoying me but seriously, some of you just take the whole biscuit tin and it's probably time I told you where you can shove it.
With that delightful cookie in the bag, I hope you're all doing well and maybe I'll see you around if I ever decide to stick it out on here 8D